The Vanguard

If USA buildings were your friends

Jake Cannon

Jake Cannon

Krisha Amin, Life Editor

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As my first year of college comes to an end, I often find myself trying to compartmentalize the details of every encounter I’ve had into various different nooks and crannies. From the historic buildings to new construction, the University of South Alabama has a wide range of personalities and appearances.

Marx Library: These are the rookies. It’s their first time at college with newfound freedom. They dye their hair blue and get tattoos. They’ve learned everything there is to know about college social life from Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation.

Communications Building: Lights, camera, action. Ironically, communication students are the ones who truly get to live like movie characters. They go on to work in New York City as a public relations consultants for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, have a network of friends, including the infamous Anna Wintour, and a seemingly never ending social life with a bottomless budget. They get to live out our secret fantasies.

Alpha Complex: Even Nancy Drew can’t figure them out. They are a mystery to us all. They might have Facebook accounts but they only ever use them to check their news feed. Therefore, what’s actually known about them is through word of mouth. Therefore, do not assume that they are a follower instead of a leader. They actually know how to change a tire and do their taxes, unlike the rest of us.

Mitchell Center: Did someone say house party? These are the students that are everyone’s best friend. You know you are bound to have fun whenever you are in the presence of their “swagger.” They embrace their embarrassing school teacher dance moves and have absolutely legendary playlists. They are the epitome of the hashtag crazes. #lit

Student Center: They put the “pro” in procrastination. Hibernation is a vital part of this aspect. Don’t wake them up before noon or else. They have a “Hunger Games” mentality; they are barely surviving but they are still surviving nonetheless. If you coincidently walk past them and smell something funky, just know that those long nights catching up on studying has finally taken its toll on personal hygiene.

Laidlaw: Forget the humanities. These are your true hippies. They don’t mind waiting 20 minutes in line at the Student’s Center’s Chik-fil-a because to them, it’s about the journey and not the result. They are most notably your community activists and future commencement speakers. You heard it here first.

Moulton Tower: Forget Instagram famous. These kids were already campaigning for their presidency before 50 cent was worth more than 50 cent[s]. Their life goals are synonymous with old-timey pageant girls: end world hunger and ensure world peace. They are still in the grassroots phase of their ambitions, but some super PACs have already donated to their cause, whatever that will be.

Shelby Hall: Imagine that class ends at 3:00. It is 2:59. Most of the class is tired of listening to their professor babble on about their immense knowledge of a certain architect with certain ideals with a certain history. When the professor asks if there are any additional questions, there is dead silence. Yet, at very last moment, one student raises his hand to ask about the online assignment. Enough said.

Instructional Laboratory Building (“ILB”): These are the students  who are in majoring in something practical, like physics or engineering, just to avoid upsetting their parents. They are what we call “cool nerds.” They are the inventors of all things including puns, such as, “The magnetic force vector on a current carrying wire equals ILB.” Maybe Mark Cuban would want to invest in their humor if they went on “Shark Tank.”

Biomedical Library: These are the friends who are unmistakably pre-med students. But don’t underestimate them. Sure, they are book smart, but these black horses will school you at “water” pong. They can also give you CPR once you lose. They also don’t want you to know they watch “The Bachelorette” in their spare time. Be careful of their cleverly mastered façade.

Humanities Building: These friends are constantly going through a new phase in their lives. They are the wannabe hipsters with an undecided major. They are self-proclaimed Unicorn Frappuccino enthusiasts in their spare time. Too bad the genetically altered purple drink trend only lasted a few days. I guess it’s time to move onto S’mores Fraps.

Tholos of Delphi Replica: More of an acquaintance than a friend. You run into each other from time to time and engage in some small talk about their success in life. There is a reason you guys aren’t friends. I don’t need more reasons to feel unaccomplished in the most banal aspects of my life.

Mitchell College of Business: Their father’s best friend’s cousin’s sister-in-law’s ex-boyfriend’s co-worker works on Wall Street. You can essentially say they have one foot in the door at Goldman Sacs and the other in their finance textbook. They carry around Yeti’s strictly for aesthetic purposes and have LinkedIn profiles that mimic the Wolf of Wall Street minus the everything.

Intramural Fields: Do they even go to school here?

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2 Responses to “If USA buildings were your friends”

  1. Kathy Wheeler on April 25th, 2017 11:19 am

    We are not the Karl Marx Library. Our name has nothing to do with Karl Marx but instead is the result of a donation by the Julien Marx family. See this press release:


  2. Kathy Wheeler on April 25th, 2017 11:51 am

    Thanks for correcting the story.


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If USA buildings were your friends