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Dear Debbie: getting over my ex

Getting+over+a+bad+relationship%2C+especially+one+where+cheating+was+involved%2C+is+never+easy.+
Getting over a bad relationship, especially one where cheating was involved, is never easy.

Getting over a bad relationship, especially one where cheating was involved, is never easy.

Briana Cunningham

Briana Cunningham

Getting over a bad relationship, especially one where cheating was involved, is never easy.

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Dear Debbie,

Is it possible to still love a guy who treated you terribly? A guy that I dated for almost two years dumped me last year after cheating on me during the entire relationship. Things ended badly and to this day I’ve never gotten the closure I need.

Recently, I started to admit to the fact that in spite of it all and no matter what I have told other people, I am not over him and I still love the guy I thought he was. It’s been a really confusing and depressing thing. You see, he got a new girlfriend two weeks after we broke up and has been happy-go-lucky ever since. Meanwhile, I’ve been left with a lot of issues and hurt that I’ve tried to repress.

With Valentine’s Day coming up, a lot of tender memories have resurfaced and I’m having a really hard time. I keep thinking about the good times and wondering if I’ll ever be ok. I can’t focus on my life anymore because I’m so caught up in wondering if he ever thinks about me and if he is sorry for all the things he did. And a little bit of me wonders if things will ever change back…

I need help with moving on, with or without closure. How can I get through all of this distress and hurt, and possibly love again?

-Hopelessly Devoted

 

Dear Hopelessly Devoted,

Getting over a bad relationship, especially one where cheating was involved, is never easy. It takes time to heal and move on. The most important thing is to give yourself that time to heal. Too often we rush things and put on a happy face when really that is just feeding our hurt.

The fact of the matter is, you don’t need to be with someone who puts no value in other people’s feelings and love. He clearly did not treat you the way you deserve and took you for granted. The first step is realizing that, and accepting he is not at all the guy you thought he was. Unfortunately, he is not your fantasy.

Make it a habit to replace the old good with the new good. There are going to be a lot of memories from him that will stay with you. What if you were to make new ones? Go to the restaurant that was his favorite, but go with friends and make new memories. Listen to those songs you used to sing together, but sing it with a friend who doubles as a karaoke partner. Make new memories.

There will always be a part of you that loves him. You will find yourself thinking of all these wonderful things about him. What if every time you thought of those things, you sat up and listed three good things that have come out of him being out of your life? Or, if you have to, three bad things about him. Instead of wallowing in the past, appreciate who you have become and what you have overcome since being with him. Find joy and comfort in yourself.

I know this is the season of love and engagements, and it can be extra hard to be single and heartbroken. But just admitting that you’re still healing is a huge step. You know you’re not ready for a new relationship. Give yourself the time to heal and gain trust in the people around you. One day, a guy will come who will treat you like the treasure you are and give you the love you have never been given. Until then, grow slow.

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Dear Debbie: getting over my ex